PERSONAL REFLECTIONS

The Sleepwalking Insomniac

For a little over 2 years I didn’t sleep at night. I had hip and knee surgery and one of the narcotics I was prescribed for pain had an unfortunate adverse reaction causing my body to ramp up instead of making me drowsy. After 3 days of no sleep, I immediately stopped taking the pill, cold turkey, which was a no-no unbeknownst to me. I went through an awful withdrawal. At first I was perplexed by the insomnia, but later when my health started to swiftly decline, I grew angry and frustrated. I tried all the things (melatonin, benedryl, prescription sleep aids after sleep studies and trips to the neurologists, all lavender and chamomile products, baths, tea, no caffeine, aromatherapy, meditation…). You get the point. I tried it ALL! I began to take note of what my mind focused on in the middle of the night. I would continuously think about my career, what it is now, what it used to be and what I wanted it to be… On loop!.. ALL NIGHT! It finally hit me. I’d come to a point where I was “sleepwalking” through life. I wasn’t driving my career forward. I’d become complacent in the comfort of a consistent check, comfortable lifestyle and the overall ease of life. I wasn’t challenging my brain, creativity or my body. I’d been “sleepwalking” for so long that my mind/body/spirit would not allow me to actually sleep, because it was “tired” of not living life to my fullest potential. I had settled for the American dream of a prestigious job making 6 figures with my own house and a nice car. I should’ve been pushing myself to live MY dreams, doing the things I loved. Between my anxiety about not being where I wanted to be in my career and doing nothing about it during the day, I was in a perpetual cycle of defeat. I had to take time to deconstruct the myth of who I thought I was and start rebuilding myself to become who I truly am. I took a long, hard look (that’s still going as I type) at myself, and, I’m not gonna lie I judged myself for filth. I couldn’t believe I allowed myself to become so broken inside that I no longer bothered to challenge myself. I never wanted to become this person. I judged people who did the same. It was a hilariously poignant lesson to learn. I forgave myself for all of my missteps and worked to discontinue judging myself and others for where we are in our journeys. It’s never too late to start over. That’s the  beauty of life! Everyday is a chance to reinvent yourself, your present and your future. If you’ve derailed your life and desperately need to get back on track, TODAY is a good day to start.

DISCOVERING YOUR PASSIONS

I’m a professional dancer, who has been dancing for as long as my memory goes. It brings me joy infinitely, but there are other things I like/love to do as well. In one of my therapy sessions, my therapist suggested doing things that made me happy when I was younger as a weekend activity. Since dance is my career, sometimes I’m not able to achieve the joy I used to before it became my career. I needed to find another outlet. One of the skills I acquired while dancing is makeup application. I love to paint a face! I used to always use my friends as guinea pigs in my exploration of makeup, starting in my teenage years. Bless their sweet, little innocent hearts, for allowing me the chance to “play” makeup artist on their beautiful faces. I did my friends’ eyebrows. I did nails(mostly mine, my mother and a few of her friends). I was a regla ol’ one-stop-shop cosmetologist, with narry degree. 🤣 I have two friends that I may or may not have given a complex about their full, thick, and beautiful brows. (Sorry Ivorie and Tovah) That was a time when I followed the trends and thick brows weren’t in. Don’t sue me! 

So here I am, all grown up “playing” in makeup once again. I began doing a makeup look on the weekends, just for fun. It was time spent with myself, some good music, and my makeup. It was therapeutic and when I finished I also had a sense of accomplishment. It allowed me the opportunity to focus my mind on something other than the problems I was encountering daily.

Many people have a hard time discovering what their passion is and then how to support themselves living their passion. How many times have you dreaded Sunday night knowing that tomorrow is Monday and you’ll have to go back to work? Now think of the very thing or things that wakes you up every morning in anticipation for the sheer joy that is waiting for you. What will you gladly hop out of bed at 6am to do? What is something that has interested you since childhood and never went away? What do you do naturally without a thought? What do other people  come to you for advice because you excel in the subject? Somewhere in the answers to these questions you’ll find your passion. When the goal is living your dreams happily, while being of service to others, the money will come. Find the things you would love to do for free. Then play! Hone your skills and find ways to use them to benefit others.

 Once you’ve discovered your passion, the next step is having the discipline to follow through on making others’ lives better through making your life’s work of it!  

*photo above captured by Mesiyah McGinnis

Today I received a Marco Polo from one of my sistas from anotha mista. She was sharing how she started to neglect her self care routines & exercises to be available for someone else. I could relate to every bit of that. Sometimes, I’m torn between taking care of my needs and taking care of the needs of others, especially if their needs appear to be more dire than my own. We sacrifice ourselves, our health and our happiness for someone else because we want to make things better for people we love (and lowkey, it makes us feel needed). Our insecurities cause us to try to be the superhero in everyone else’s stories. We hope that our efforts will be recognized and our stock with that person increases, therefore raising our personal value, internally. (side eye) So we continuously give and give of ourselves and our time until we’re depleted, worn down and resentful. Not to mention that the moment you don’t drop everything to come to the aid of that person, they tell you, “you weren’t there when i needed you!”. Did all the other times you were there for them have magically disappear? Talk about pain and anger.. I’m all for helping others, but not without taking care of yourself. It reminds me of the instructions for low cabin pressure while flying. We’re always told to put on our own oxygen masks before helping others. ‘Cause, hell, I have to be healthy in order to help you. Selfishness & guilt creep their ugly little heads in when I try to carve out space for myself, but today, I’m choosing me! No longer can my self worth be tied into how much I do for others. My self esteem has to be built on me taking care of my needs, setting goals & taking steps toward them, while healing past wounds that leave me in a vicious cycle of toxic behavior. I know I’m preachin’ to tha choir, but what are you pourin’ out of that empty cup, that is you?!