School of hard knocks

We’re all enrolled in the school of Life. Everyday we’re challenged with learning new lessons, and for most of us, repeating old lessons again and again. The beauty of life is in the continually self-discovery. Challenge your old thoughts about life. Add to your personal truths. Dismantle ideologies that don’t serve to improve your well being. Find your connectedness with the world at large.

The Overachiever who Underachieved

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

If you asked me this as a child, I would’ve given you a play by play of all my hopes and aspirations with a very carefully planned and detailed timeline. Somehow or another I came out the womb as serious as Harriet Tubman, disciplined, with a sprinkle of that good ol’Nina Simone creativity. The road to success was a one-way, one lane highway and I was on it headed straight for my goals. Little did I know, that ain’t how life works, honey, but I sho’ found out. I graduated valedictorian of my 8th grade class while studying and performing ballet with a professional company¦ Sure, I definitely loss some hair (and by some, I mean large enough patches to warrant my mom taking me to the doctor), but doesn’t every 12 year old girl?! I started getting life lessons, little by little, nudging then shoving me to the realization that you can’t control everything¦ Nope! Didn’t listen. Too busy trying to get the hell out of high school where I felt I didn’t belong. 3 years was enough for me.

(list of goals achieved or nah)

Graduate valedictorian of my high school class¦Nah!
Skip college and dance full time¦ momma said not on my watch!
Continue achieving all A’s through college¦. Nope!
Become a ballerina with Dance Theater of Harlem¦ uh uh
Become a kinesiologist¦ not even close
Marry my college boyfriend¦ still single
Have 2 children in my late 20’s¦ I wish I would (sarcasm) *eye roll*

Whether small or large the list of goals goes on. My college years were planned out to the hour for the entire semester. I tried sticking to it. (Who was I foolin’?) My comittment was real! I broke a tooth, which then became infected and I self medicated for a couple of months until I could go home to the dentist. Sound good, right? I continued going to all my classes and jobsâ€¦ Ended up in the ER after overdosing on Tylenol, accidentally, one week before I was scheduled to go home.
With every failure, my self- esteem chipped away. I would replay in my mind how I could’ve handled each situation differently to get my desired outcome. I had no idea that I was growing into the healthiest version of myself through every “failure”, and by stubbornly sticking to my plan was becoming increasingly unhealthy. Because I didn’t look at my life experiences through the lens of positivity, with each failure I held onto the pain instead of the growth. I couldn’t see all the greatness I was achieving because it didn’t look the way I envisioned as a young girl. Why had I put so much weight in the ideas of a developing adolescent?? It took many years and many failures to understand life is NOT a one-way, one lane highway straight to success. As a matter of fact, I’m currently making a hard left in life, headed in a new direction towards my goals.

Danger! Is it humility or just Self-Doubt?

Self Doubt ~ will always keep you stuck in the same place! It’s the best friend of procrastination.

You couldn’t possibly know how long I’ve been toying with the idea of starting my own business. Chiiiiile!

“Who am I to start a business? What do I have to offer the world? Why would anyone be interested? Am I smart enough? Can I actually pull it off? Do I have enough money? What will make me stand out? Is it enough to make a living?”

This has always been one of my biggest hurdles! I tend to overthink things because I’m deathly afraid of failing, of being wrong (recognizing that I don’t know it all) and how it would make me look to the public. I’ll research, read, study, analyze, and research some more. When I’m doing anything, I like for it to be done well. Being a performer, I’m used to rehearsing movement until ‘perfection”, or something close to, at least. The finished product is usually POLISHED before the public lays eyes on it. I want that to be the case with everything I do. This isn’t how life works. If I’m honest, it’s not how the arts work either. We rehearse ballets to a strong enough foundation that we can present the work to the audience, but it will always be a LIVE art form, and therefore never be perfect and/or the same twice. Every time we perform there’s a level of being in the moment that creates variance and beauty. And if I want to take that honesty a step further, my artistry has always been held back by my need to be without flaws. So I recognize now that I have to apply this philosophy to the rest of my life. Yes, study and prepare, but my best will change from day to day. The beauty of the work lies in me being free enough to share who I am, flaws and all! If I do nothing I’m already failing! Stop making excuses for why you’re not doing and DO! The only way to succeed is by taking the first step. Big companies started as small ones at some point. Don’t get bogged down worrying about the bigger picture. Set small attainable goals. I’m having to work in a completely opposite way than I’m accustomed. I’m forcing myself to get out as much content as possible, knowing that it has lots of room for improvement. But let’s be real, it’ll never be my best work. The more I write, the better I become. The better writer I become, the higher my standard for writing will be. The other idea I’m pushing myself to embody is that we don’t need to be flawless to have some positive impact. I’m trusting the work I’ve been doing for years will bear some viable fruit.

Self Care as a Manifestation of Self Worth

For the last couple of years I’ve been working to master getting dressed in the least amount of time possible. My record is 15 minutes. I thought this was a proud accomplishment. Today I see it as problematic. I was shortening the length of time in order to stay in the bed longer because putting it frankly, I hated going to work. I fell deeper and deeper into the abyss of depression. I didn’t care how I looked going to work because I didn’t really want to be there. When we aren’t living our lives for the fulfillment of our own dreams, we can start to move through life on auto-pilot. I was there and it showed. Yoga/ workout wear became my daily uniform. I told myself it was due to the fact that I had no one to impress, would end up in that attire at work, and worked in a show where people would see me in an ever so glamorous, but barely there costume anyway. In reality, I’d given up on myself. On the other hand, I had a boyfriend who made it his mission not to look like he worked for the company and dressed in his personal clothes to and from work. I also had a co-worker who came to work everyday looking like she was coming straight from the club. I shook my head at them both. The Nerve! The arrogance! My boyfriend fought to establish self- worth by proving he was above the fray and my co-worker searched for self-worth in the compliments and attention her outrageous outfits would garner. My boyfriend appeared arrogant and my co-worker appeared desperate. Me, on the other hand, I looked like I didn’t care. WRONG! I looked like I gave up on life… And I had. My new goal is to wake up so early in the morning excited for what the day has to offer that I’m able to take my time getting ready and fully ‘love on’ myself everyday as I set out to live my dreams. Part of getting dressed and going to bed is a set of rituals that we do to take care of our bodies. It is important to take the necessary time to clean, prepare, restore and heal your body daily, that includes sleep. We often overlook and underestimate the importance of these things. I learned the hard way. When I was recovering from surgery I developed insomnia. Since I wasn’t working I thought it was no big deal. I couldn’t have been “wronger”. Our bodies repair while we sleep, and for somebody recovering from surgery, I needed it more than ever. To this day my recovery has been delayed. I know the lack of sleep for 2+ years is a contributing factor. I’m starting to see marked improvement in my recovery and I know my self care routine has helped. We require so much from our bodies daily and expect peak performance, but don’t want to take the time and energy to replenish it. What kinda sense does that make? Understanding the value of self care as it relates to your self worth is vital to your success. I’ve discussed our physical bodies, but we must also discuss our mental and emotional self care as well. Finding time to be still, meditate, read and/or journal is important as well. We live in a world where we will be in communication and relation to multiple people a day. We’re constantly acting in association and response to other people from the moment we leave our homes, which requires a lot of negotiating personalities, ideologies, and coping mechanisms developed into habits over time. For this reason, it would be incredibly beneficial to fortify your self with solitary time to just “be”… Be present in your body and mind free of the outside chatter. I know this helps me to free my mind of negativity that I’ve been exposed to and participated in the previous day. I try not to carry that energy with me day after day. And let me just say, this is very new for me! I haven’t had so many consecutive days of sheer excitement for life, my career and what’s in store for me in the future in… I don’t know… ever! Its kinda trippy! And the beauty of it all is simply that I’m loving and learning exponentially with this blog that is a fledgling, at best. I’m not tied to the outcome as much as I’m invested in the process. The process is revealing so many insights about myself that have enriched me more than I ever could’ve predicted.