The Overachiever who Underachieved
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
If you asked me this as a child, I would’ve given you a play by play of all my hopes and aspirations with a very carefully planned and detailed timeline. Somehow or another I came out the womb as serious as Harriet Tubman, disciplined, with a sprinkle of that good ol’ Nina Simone creativity. The road to success was a one-way, one lane highway and I was on it headed straight for my goals. Little did I know, that ain’t how life works, honey, but I sho’ found out. I graduated valedictorian of my 8th grade class while studying and performing ballet with a professional company… Sure, I definitely loss some hair (and by some, I mean large enough patches to warrant my mom taking me to the doctor), but doesn’t every 12 year old girl?! I started getting life lessons, little by little, nudging then shoving me to the realization that you can’t control everything… Nope! Didn’t listen. Too busy trying to get the hell out of high school where I felt I didn’t belong. 3 years was enough for me.
(list of goals achieved or nah)
Graduate valedictorian of my high school class…Nah!
Skip college and dance full time… momma said not on my watch!
Continue achieving all A’s through college…. Nope!
Become a ballerina with Dance Theater of Harlem… uh uh
Become a kinesiologist… not even close
Marry my college boyfriend… still single
Have 2 children in my late 20’s… I wish I would (sarcasm) *eye roll*
Whether small or large the list of goals goes on. My college years were planned out to the hour for the entire semester. I tried sticking to it. (Who was I foolin’?) My comittment was real! I broke a tooth, which then became infected and I self medicated for a couple of months until I could go home to the dentist. Sound good, right? I continued going to all my classes and jobs… Ended up in the ER after overdosing on Tylenol, accidentally, one week before I was scheduled to go home.
With every failure, my self- esteem chipped away. I would replay in my mind how I could’ve handled each situation differently to get my desired outcome. I had no idea that I was growing into the healthiest version of myself through every “failure”, and by stubbornly sticking to my plan was becoming increasingly unhealthy. Because I didn’t look at my life experiences through the lens of positivity, with each failure I held onto the pain instead of the growth. I couldn’t see all the greatness I was achieving because it didn’t look the way I envisioned as a young girl. Why had I put so much weight in the ideas of a developing adolescent?? It took many years and many failures to understand life is NOT a one-way, one lane highway straight to success. As a matter of fact, I’m currently making a hard left in life, headed in a new direction towards my goals.