The Sleepwalking Insomniac

For a little over 2 years I didn’t sleep at night. I had hip and knee surgery and one of the narcotics I was prescribed for pain had an unfortunate adverse reaction causing my body to ramp up instead of making me drowsy. After 3 days of no sleep, I immediately stopped taking the pill, cold turkey, which was a no-no unbeknownst to me. I went through an awful withdrawal. At first I was perplexed by the insomnia, but later when my health started to swiftly decline I grew angry and frustrated. I tried all the things (melatonin, benedryl, prescription sleep aids after sleep studies and trips to the neurologists, all lavender and chamomile products, baths, tea, no caffeine, aromatherapy, meditation…). You get the point. I tried it ALL! I began to take note of what my mind focused on in the middle of the night. I would continuously think about my career, what it is now, what it used to be and what I wanted it to be… On loop!.. ALL NIGHT! It finally hit me. I’d come to a point where I “sleepwalking” through life. I wasn’t driving my career forward. I’d become complacent in the comfort of a consistent check, comfortable lifestyle and the overall ease of life. I wasn’t challenging my brain, creativity or my body. I’d been “sleepwalking” for so long that my mind/body/spirit would not allow me to actually sleep, because it was “tired” of not living life to my fullest potential. I had settled for the American dream of a prestigious job making 6 figures with my own house and a nice car. I should’ve been pushing myself to live MY dreams, doing the things I loved. Between my anxiety about not being where I wanted to be in my career and doing nothing about it during the day, I was in a perpetual cycle of defeat. I had to take time to deconstruct the myth of who I thought I was and start rebuilding myself to become who I truly am. I took a long, hard look (that’s still going as I type) at myself, and, I’m not gonna lie I judged myself for filth. I couldn’t believe I allowed myself to become so broken inside that I no longer bothered to challenge myself. I never wanted to become this person. I judged people who did the same. It was a hilariously poignant lesson to learn. I forgave myself for all of my missteps and worked to discontinue judging myself and others for where we are in our journeys. It’s never too late to start over. That’s the  beauty of life! Everyday is a chance to reinvent yourself, your present and your future. If you’ve derailed your life and desperately need to get back on track, TODAY is a good day to start.